Been a bit again, but thought I would toss an update out there.

We'll start with the oldest, Dom. He's doing so great. He just started middle school and is adjusting perfectly. Academically, he's already holding his own. Loves his teacher and the only thing he complains about is there is no playground. Not that he even used his when he was in grade school. Fall ball is starting to wind down and he's had a great season. Pitching and infielding again, and is doing really well with hitting. Sure, he still strikes out, but it's still an adjustment for him seeing only kids pitching at him. He's getting there and he'll have a great season next year... I'm sure. He's about to start the sand lot league. He's very excited about this. Its so fun for him, not so stressful. So he'll have a nice winter.

Caitlyn had adjusted to being the big fish perfectly. She had 3 bus buddies, but is down to 2. She helps these kids go from the classroom onto the bus. She's handling the reading journals perfectly along with the new responsibilities. Cheer is just gearing up and getting ready for competition. She's excited about this. It's like the main reason she's cheering. This year, she's actually competitive, and has the chance to make it to the "road to disney" how fun for her! I had to cancel our minivacation for our anniversary because competition is on a sunday, and hair day is the day before, but it's a small loss to see her happy. Maybe next year, I guess :)

Cameron is actually doing well in school. He's paying attention, staying motivated. Which is a huge deal for him. He has no enthusiasm when it comes to school. So to see him so happy is really great for us. He is obsessed with wipe out, and it's hilarious.

Elliot is off to school every day from 9-12. He too, is doing great. He has a whole pile of new friends, tho he misses his "cousins derek and giovanni" every day. Hopefully he'll see them in sunday school.

The kiddos start religion tomorrow. Cam and Dom will go every tuesday from 4-5:15. I chose that time because dominick wont have to miss practices or games, tho he'll be eating in the truck from point a to point b. I'm sure it's a small sacrifice :)

Bill and I are great. Everything is beyond perfect with us. We're excited about our 5 year anniversary! I can't believe we've managed so long. Wait... yes I can. He's the love of my life, and it's been a very otherwise easy journey for us as a couple... as parents... not so much.

Well, that's that. Been very busy with all these extra things, so not much else to report. Having your kids involved in so much is terribly trying, but the end result is they have a great time, and that's what I value the most.

My heart

Nine years ago, I met the most amazing man ever to walk into my life. I had just ended a very fun, romantic , free spirited relationship I had ever been in, and while I was hurt, I was ready to move on. John, the previous boyfriend was an extraordinary person, who not only showed me all of what life still had to offer after me splitting from my husband, also showed me how to love and care again, showed me that just because I was young, and tied down with a child, didn’t mean I couldn’t have fun, or a life. He changed me, who I was, how I felt… he genuinely cared about me, made me feel beautiful and special much more than my ex husband did. He laid the groundwork for any future guys in my life to actually stand a chance, and I am eternally grateful for the knowledge he gave me.

Bill and I started talking shortly before the birth of his daughter Caitlyn. He was engaged to be married and horribly miserable with the direction his life was taking. He and I started talking around the time John and I persued our relationship together. Bill was a great friend. We’d always make “dates” to catch up online on the progress of our lives together, our relationships, we’d casually flirt in a friendly manner and he made me laugh. Who really laughs from some random online person. We never asked to exchanged pics, and I found a best friend in him, and we knew we never had any plans on meeting, so it was perfect. My heart went out to Bill, and his family he was creating. Once the baby was born, I guess their personal relationship gotten worse. His fiancee started paying less attention to him, and more attention to the baby. He said he felt like he didn’t matter to her unless there was groceries to buy, diapers to get, or a few rolls of film to be developed. He said he felt cheated because he’d been with her on and off for so long, that she didn’t even know him, or what he wanted out of life. She didn’t want to experience all that was out there in the world, and he was so young and looking to discover what the world had to offer. In the meantime while he’s telling me all of this, I’m traveling to Jersey on a whim, or Massachusettes just for a day out, roller skating like im 15 years old again, going to parties every weekend, taking my son with my new bf to the beach, making friends and leaving my mark all over the place. He’d talk to me about everything to vicariously live the life I was enjoying so much.

The middle of September came, nearly 6 months after I started dating John and chatting with Bill, and things had gone erie with John. Out of nowhere, he cheated on me. While I was hurt, I wasn’t angry. We hadn’t officially commited to one another, and I knew John was the ‘seat of his pants’ kind of guy and I should have kept my eyes more open. I’m not by any means controlling, I let him do as he wanted, and I did as I wanted all of the time… and that’s just how the ball fell. I had to deal with it, and I did. I walked away from his home that day and never looked back. That night I talked to Bill for hours online, then he called me. It was like talking to someone I knew for a lifetime. I cried, not because I was sad, but because I was so blind, and he just listened and listened. He was an amazing friend. He mentioned meeting me that night, but I was so scared if we met, our level of trust and ability of talking would be compromised, so I denied him.

September 30^th came so quickly. I had only talked to John once or twice, and kept it very matter of fact and casual. He broke my heart, and he knew, and he was trying to make peace with me. I didn’t hate him or anything extreme like that. I was very numb and indifferent. I thought of going back to my husband because I knew Michael would never do me wrong like that. And instances and stories of the like, were the reason I married michael to begin with. That night was a big night. Our friend Dan was back from Vegas, and I was a few mere hours away from being 21. What a better way to celebrate these important moment than some drinking festivities at a restaurant with all of our friends. I looked fantastic, If I do say so myself. Leather pants, hot purple shirt, perfect amount of cleavage. I had lost so much weight while I was out having such a great time the past few months with John, and I was going to flaunt it, especially since John was going to be there. He’d regret what he lost, no doubt about it. My friends came over to pick me up, and Michael did too… and I think when he said goodbye to me that night, he knew I wasn’t going to come home that night the same person, and any chance he had of reconciling with me was long gone.

We all met up at the Olive Garden, and before long, I was in rare shape. John was there, with my now bestest friend, his cousin Bob, and he looked great. He hugged me and with that hug I felt nothing. All that intensity that he and I shared, was certainly gone, and at that moment, I realized my heart was indeed broken. What better way to get rid of the pain of a broken heart than getting absolutely trashed and making a complete fool of yourself… and I did so with style. Olive garden couldn’t accommodate the large group we had, so we headed over to what was then, the Big House Bar and Grill, and they seated us immediately on the patio. We made the calls to people who hadn’t shown up yet to tell them the change of venue, and before I knew it, I couldn’t count how many people were there. Drink after drink was put in front of me, and I downed each one with grace and absolute distinction. I turned as I saw someone I had never seen before walk up the ramp with another one of our expected guests, and immediately I knew. It was Bill. Holy shit, is all I could think to myself. What the hell is he doing here. I felt such a surge or excitement and anxiety all at that same moment. I didn’t know really what to do. How do I act nonchalent when such a beautiful man walked into my party unexpectedly, who I had a remarkable relationship with? I walked up to him, hugged him, mumbled some untranslatable words, and sat back down. Way to go Amy, way to make an IDIOT of yourself. I felt 15 again. Like… OMG, It’s Bill Stackman!! What a dork…. Is all I could think. He went and introduced himself to everyone and made way to where I was sitting. There were no available seats, so he planted his beautiful Tommy Hilfiger behind right on my lap. I couldn’t help but touch him, smell him, laugh with him… I felt… Alive again! But he was off limits. I had to be on my best drunken behavior. As he was sitting there, being a socialite, I unbuttoned his shirt, and my interweb mom, Carrie, Started cracking up at my very unlike Amy behavior. Had to be the corona’s. It just had to be. After a spell, we all wanted to go dancing… but not before some drama between John and Amy, right? He asked to talk to me, told me how unclassy I was acting, told me I should be ashamed of myself. Hey, I wasn’t one of the hooker girls showing their boobs and panties… unclassy…. Me? He was so mean and he brought tears to my eyes, as if that was hard being I was so intoxicated, and he knew how to push my buttons like no one else did. Why had I allowed myself to…. LOVE this guy? After he left, all of my friends attempted to cheer me up, but it just wasn’t happening. John ruined MY night. Prick. We all decided to head to On Broadway, a club in Troy. Fuck, John and I used to go there. Bill offered to drive me, since at this point everyone had found someone to “hook” up with, in a way. And I was alone and didn’t want to be a third wheel. He helped me into his car, even buckled my seatbelt, he smiled at me in the darkness, and I suddenly felt such a wave of happiness. I could tell he was happy, especially after all these months of mediocracy that he was feeling in his life. He was like a kid in a candy shop, and mommy wasn’t with him. I sat there silent for a bit, getting over my own self loathing and grief, when Bill told me that John was ugly. I laughed. He was quite odd looking. Like a penis. He put his hand on my leg, and I shuddered for a moment, and realized my leg is exactly where his hand belonged. We talked about the night, why I was so upset, how it’s my day and he wants to make the rest of it perfect… and he meant it. I could see it in his eyes. His beautiful green eyes.

Once we got to On Broadway, it was like he and I had known each other for a lifetime, and been together before. You know how when you first meet someone it’s kind of awkward and you don’t want to say or do the wrong things… It wasn’t like that at all. It was complete comfort, or I was just so drunk I don’t recall the emotions completely. I was putting my purse and camera in his trunk when he just held me in a hug, so tight, like it was just second nature… My friend snapped a picture of us… then he held my hand and we walked in to the club, together, as a couple. How wrong was this? Part of me thought, we’d go our separate ways at the end of the night, and that would be that. Part of me hoped he’d want to see me again… All of me wanted him. We danced and danced and drank and chatted, and even tho the club was full, and our friends surrounded us, the only people we seemed to care about was each other. We kissed, and kissed and kissed, and I loved every single time he touched me in any way. I remember feeling how happy he was, and I knew he could tell how happy I was. Surrounded by friends who loved me, and a guy who knew me even though that day was the first time I looked into his eyes.

I had many offers from people to drive me home. Dan lived nearby, and he offered to take me, and my friend Rosie and amanda offered as well. But Bill had acted like I was his responsibility. I have heard stories about how his fiancee showed up that night as we were walking back to his car… But I don’t recall it happening. Had I known, I probably would have sent him on his way with her, despite the fact that it wouldn’t have been what I really wanted. We drove for what seemed like hours. He says I got him lost a ton. Shouldn’t take an hour to get from Troy, to Watervliet. I secretly think he didn’t want me to go. He wanted the night to last forever before returning to his old life, and not knowing what was going to happen next… Either way, we sat in the car in front of my house forever. Not talking, but kissing… Suddenly I felt a wave of guilt, and out of nowhere I bolted out of his car and into my house, leaving him there, full of questions.

I laid in bed the next morning not knowing what the hell happened that night before. Sore in places I didn’t know I had, a shooting pain in my back, and I wondered… omg did I sleep with him. Once I figured out I didn’t, I rolled out of bed to examine the aftermath. I was a mess. I took a shower, got dressed, played with Dominick and then got online during naptime. A message from John. Lovely. “Happy birthday sweetpea, Talk to you soon” Heh… Not likely. And then Bill… “Happy Birthday, I will always remember last night. You’re more perfect than I could have imagined. Please see me again :o)” My heart sank. He liked me, for real. It wasn’t just the alcohol. He genuinely liked me. All I could think was, I asked for someone to really care about me, it was my birthday, and he was my gift. All these months of dodging attempts of him to meet me may have been wasted on John. I couldn’t think like that. He was basically married. SHIT! I finally find a guy, who’s sweet, and caring, misunderstood just like me, and he wasn’t on the market. What do I even write back? “Billy, Thanks for last night, sorry for my behavior. Talk to you soon” I kept the exchange of emails and printed them. I wanted to be sure he made an impact on me, forever. I signed off and spent the day with my family. Went for a walk with Dom, did dinner and all the motions, and signed back on after everyone was in bed. “Amy, You left your camera and bag in my trunk, dunno if shelly saw it, but I want to see you again, at least to give you your things back” SHIT!! I sat there for a moment, dazed when his IM popped up. I was so hesitant when I was talking to him. Oh god, what do I do? I agreed to meet him for lunch the next day before both of us had to work. I had to get my stuff back and we basically worked the same schedule just a few minutes from one another. After a long conversation, and some recanting of the night before, I signed off and went to bed, mind full of possibilities and thoughts.

The next morning came so fast. I got up, got myself ready, got dom off to daycare and headed to schenectady to get my stuff back. I was dressed in my usual business casual crap for work, and I felt so nervous and butterfly tummy sick. I parked next to him, and he was waiting. I got out of the car, and he met me at my door and said he wasn’t sure I would show. We walked down to Lyles, and to my surprise he held my hand. We ate, and I didn’t say much, mostly listened. He told me about how mad his gf was, and how he didn’t care, and how he needed to live his life. I told him I didn’t want him ending his life with her because of one crazy night, and he seemed sad. We walked back to the car so I could get to work, and he kissed me. I couldn’t help but kiss him back, but I knew at that moment, this was it, this was love and he was the one… But I had to stay away, this had to be the last time I saw him….

I couldn’t think clearly. The pages, the phone calls, the emails. He was so persistent. I worked on Friday night and he surprised me by being there when I got out. He knew I was going out with my friends and he wanted to go too. I agreed, brought my car home, and we went out together. We had an amazing time. I was the only person there to him. He paid so much attention to me. Holding me, kissing me each chance he could. It was beautiful. It all just felt so right. That night we sat in the parking lot, and we kissed and kissed, and then we made love for the first time. And I couldn’t deny it at all… It was love completely and entirely. He was so giving and passionate, and amazing at what he did. How someone could treat this man so ungrateully, so unlovingly, and not want to have sex with him all the time was something I couldn’t imagine.

The next night was a repeat of Friday. We made love again. How could something so wrong feel so incredibly good and right? How could two people not meant to be together be compatible in every way? As someone who’s cheated in the past, I was well aware that who we’re with isn’t always who we’re meant to be with… But I wasn’t at all going to give him the “her or me” line. He had to figure it out on his own, and I liked how things were with us, and I wasn’t going to change it. We spent the night together many times, every waking moment of the weekends together. She knew, she had her cronies call me and yell at me, but she accepted being the weekday girlfriend. And she knew it was me giving him the life he so strongly desired at night and weekends. We fell in love so quickly. He told me after us being together for two weeks. He stood up outside of On Broadway on a monument and announced it in front of our friends. “I am so Incredibly in love with you” He did it all because I was irritated with him, and spending time with Dan (I was wasted in my defense) Dan felt I deserved more from him, that I was wasting all of this time yet again, on a guy who wouldn’t give me the world which I deserved… and maybe he could have been right, but God doesn’t bring us these people in life for no reason. There was a deeper reason to us being together, even if it was for me to show him life for a short term.

Weekends went by, and I was the happiest I had been in a coons age. December came, and we met our children for the first time, and planned our first christmas. He had much more elaborate plans with me than I was ready for. 3 days before christmas, I found out I was pregnant and miscarried. How could this be? I had a D&C and Bill stayed at Rosie’s while she took me, so he was there when I got back. He held me, and apologized. I didn’t want another child, I was happy with where life was taking me… so there was nothing to be sorry for. Christmas he spoiled me. Two necklaces, a marble dolphin, a beautiful hand written card… It was perfect. He had Caitlyn with him and the kids played so nicely. New years was amazing. It was when I decided that I had to fight for more from him, fight for us… and he liked that. We spent the night at a hotel, and walked up to Jillians and danced our night away. We had such a beautiful night all dressed up so fancy, we made love for hours on end… It was the perfect way to bring in 01.

I am living proof that even the most fucked up things can turn out beautiful. We’ve had many hard times, but many more good. Like everything in life, it’s taken a great deal of work, and commitment, and compromise… But the end result is this loving beautiful thing that you can cherish for a lifetime for as long as you work on it. It all comes so easy if there’s real and genuine love from the start. Not a type of love you have to force yourself into, or that has to grow from the start. If that spark is there in the beginning, and you’re sure it’s a spark you both feel… I have no doubt that spark can grow into full blown fireworks.

The moment I saw my husband, the way my heart felt, I knew there was an instant connection not to be taken lightly. I did, and I’ve almost lost him my share of times. But now, when I look at him, touch him, make love to him… That same spark, that same anxiety and love, comes rushing back. It’s never a dull moment. We never do the same things every day, and I try to inject some varience in our life because I don’t want him bored with us. I shine when I’m out with him to this day, I beam when I talk about him. I love him. We’ve been married for 5 years, and it doesn’t even feel remotely that long. Every day I cherish him, and thank god for him…I show him I appreciate him, and love him as much as I can. He never has to doubt my emotion for him, and I never doubt his. I trust him with my life, my heart. That’s not something you find often… But I have it, and everyone should be envious J

been holding in

I've been trying not to blog much. I dunno why, it's just like verbal diarrhea of my hands. Sometimes I write in my journal and that helps, just not quite the same as this little "electronic diary" I have to make coffee and sit outside, I do that every morning and that usually gives me a nice jumpstart and a way to just cleanse away the day before. There's ususally this pretty yellow bird outside that I see and it's just beautiful.... definitely let's ya appreciate the beauty and the simple things when you see such beautiful things that are still out there in this crazy world.

Anyway, my emotions have been all over the spectrum. Not sure exactly why, they just are. I have a friend with relationship issues, marital issues, family issues... and... I dunno. Their problems some days make my financial troubles seem so miniscule. I'm very lucky for what I have. I really am blessed to have a husband who loves me and treats me so well. I thank god for him every morning and every night. Meeting him was really one of the worst things to happen to me at that particular time, but ended up being the best thing to ever happen in my life. As I look back at our life together, I realize that every year has only gotten better, and I believe every day we're happier together than we were the day before. There's an episode of house where a jewish couple gets married, and the husbands asks taub if he loves his wife and taub comes out with the response "I love her as much as I did the day I met her" Typical hallmark statement... and the husband says "you should love her more than the day you met her" And it's so true. While Bill and I shared our feelings of love extremely early in our relationship, I believe it was the sense of freedom we gave each other, the fun and passion we shared that fueled our initial falling in love. The passion that we had with each other was like nothing either of us shared with anyone else, it was so careless and exciting... but now it still has that, but so much more has been built on that. Trust, dependability, respect, admiration, honesty... It's just very different. We worked long and hard to build this kinda relationship, this kind of unconditional love... But here we are, nearly 9 years later, married for 5... we share 2 beautiful little boys, and each love children that have no DNA attachment to the other... and it's honestly a beautiful unselfish love. And for that, and the past nine years... I have so much gratitude and appreciation. I hope god knows as much as I hope Bill knows how much I'm honestly thankful.

School shopping has neared completion. The only ones I have left to finish are Dom and Caitlyn, and mainly because I want to invest actual money into their clothing this year. I dont want to buy at Target and walmart because they're cheap and easy, because the end result come February are clothes that no longer look neat and clean and crisp, but clothes that show their wear and tear with stains and shrinkage. I've noticed from buying Caitlyn clothes from Limited too, that for the extra money, the stains seem to come out easier, and they just hold up so much nicer. The same with jeans I've bought from JCpenney for Dom, like his levi's as opposed to even his old navy pants. I actually just won a bid for Seven for All Mankind jeans for Caitlyn. As ridiculous as it seems to buy pants that retail for as much as they do, I think she'll love them. I try to rationalize my thoughts often, and the only thing I can really say is... I like spending a lot of money on my kids. I like that the kids can pick out a pair of $40 jeans, and I can figure out a way to get them for them. I think in this crazy world, where my kids have a family that is extraordinarily non traditional and downright confusing, that having items that make them feel good is a way to boost their confidence. That's important, as shallow as it sounds. And I don't much care what people think.

We took Dom and Caitlyn for a haircut yesterday and let them do their own decision making in the process. Dom got his usual, but actually wanted it cut so he could spike up the front, and Caitlyn picked a gorgeous layered cut with long whispy bangs. Bill nor I interrupted their requests, and merely paid for them. Dom looked handsome, and Caitlyn looked absolutely stunning, and it wasn't just the haircut. It was like the little girl who sat down with all that hair got out of the chair as a young lady tween, BEAMING at the results. We walked around the mall and she looked in every window as she passed at her reflection, she stood her head tall, and worked on keeping those feet straight so she wouldn't trip on her wedged espadrilles like she normally does. She was just.... Gorgeous. I have a few products I have to get for both of them for their hair. Another costly thing, but I dont care. If they feel good when they look good... well Great for them. They already have amazing personalities... so now that the exterior will match the interior... I'm happy.

Tonight we're supposed to head to camp, but I have training on this new per diem position I have accepted. Kelly staffing called me and asked if I'd be interested, and it's only a week so naturally I said yes. The money is great and the opportunity really could possibly end up being a great road for me to go down. Between the body still hurting so much, this would give me a chance at expanding my opportunities even more. I'll be working at a local hospital for a healthcare equipment sales company, doing inservices and training on the new equipment. I'll teach nurses and doctors how to use all of this new stuff. This week I'll be tracking them about kangaroo pumps, conveniently my specialty after having cam on one for so long. I'll find out more specifics today. I'll hafta be at the hospital at 10, I'll train till lunch, and restart again for the evening shift around 2.... and even get paid for the break. I'll work monday, wednesday thru saturday. I'm thrilled to pieces about it, aside from the fact that Valerie, the old lady who worked with me at Empire, is who I will be sharing this contracted position with. She drove me crazy and it'll hopefully be different. I couldnt wait to text tom about that. He and I are going out to lunch in a couple weeks when the kiddos go back to school.

Oh how I'm excited about school. Supplies are all pretty much done as well, and even the bookbags are packed and hanging up by the door ready to go. Just have to grab the usual tissues and have to sharpen all the pencils. But It's pretty much no longer a stresser.

Everything really is just chugging along really nicely for us. Bill's on evenings this week and even tho I had to be in 2 places at one time on monday, we managed really well. I'm still debating religion, I should make them do it. But it's so much money. Maybe I'll call today. See what they can do to help. I miss church and can't wait to start going back.

I should go, very much to do and don't want to waste any more time on the interwebs. I have to wake up bill and enjoy the hour or two he'll be around till he heads off to drill.

Take care, and love one another!

New blog, Good bye Myspace

So, I'm done with myspace pretty much, and I miss blogging. I miss writing about the ordinary details of my life as a mom, friend, wife, and all the other good titles I'm forgetting.



Camp has been simply amazing this year. We've been fortunate enough to spend so much more time up there because Dominick didn't make all stars... So we've been up there for weeks at a time, as opposed to weekends like last year. Tho, this week started cheer and saturday starts fall baseball, so the busy schedules begin again.

I've refiled for custody adjustments with family court for michael. I was incredibly hesitant in this and I feel terrible, but at least 3 times I've tried to contact him to make new arrangements, only to be ignored. Last time we were there I worked full time, and we decided to split copays and whatever, and I have yet to see any extra money really for all of his visits. so, fuck it. I am not playing passive nice anymore.

Tomorrow is a special day for us. We're taking only the big kiddos out for the day. They've been simply amazing this summer in helping keep life on track, and while they are rewarded way more than the young two with activities and more expensive gifts, Our time is equally as important. We're going to Six Flags New England and should honestly have the best time. Caitlyn and Dom are both big enough to go on most of the rides there, and without the little ones, it will just be a great time. No stress, just fun. I'm excited. And the best part is it's a surprise, they have absolutely no idea where we're going. I'm so anticipating their reaction.

School shopping has gotten difficult. I ordered Caitlyn and Cam's shoes online. Since I know their sizes. I had a coupon for free shipping and $10 off on top of the usual buy one get one half off sale. So it really worked out incredibly nicely. I had bought Caitlyn an outfit at Justice during their clearance sale, and had hit up Macy's clearance before school was even over. So she has like 3 outfits, which are totally not mix and match, so I have to get her a few more things, a pair of ballet flats, and some knee socks (she wants em *shrugs*) and I still have everything to buy for the other 3. Im so glad elliot is in school this year, but I'm not at all looking forward to the extra person to buy for. Not cool. My sister in law is giving me a 25% off coupon for kohls, so I'm looking forward to using that. I need as much help as possible.

School supplies are pretty much all done. Which is a big relief. I hate rushing around last minute to get things together. Just have to get the clorox wipes, the tissues and bookbags.

It's simply beautiful outside today, and I have weed wacking to do. So I'm going to go. There's no telling when I'll have time to write again, so tah tah for now :)